Wanted: Fellow Homo Sapien to Please Help Me Fill Out the Census

By Robin Kilmer

Guys, I’m sooo confused.  I don’t know how to fill out the census.  I am so perplexed that I was going to leave that part blank but my friend called the Census Bureau and they said it’s illegal to leave it blank.  I’m looking at part 6–the part where you mark your race.  There’s not a whole lot of options.  I see White, and then clumped together I see Black, African Am., or Negro….whoa, wait…Negro?  Am I filling out the 1960 census?  It says 2010 on the front, but now I’m not so sure anymore.

At any rate, this is befuddling.  Apparently I can mark all that apply.  I’m thinking of marking the one that says White, because I’ve been called a cracker on the street, but I’m not sure.  Is White a color, or is it a race?  And if it is a race, how do I know I belong to that race?  I recently read a little bit of A History of White People at a bookstore.  Apparently, during the 18th century it was decided that anyone from the geographical place around the Black Sea, called Caucasia–with whom North Africans and Indians were clumped–was considered white.  At other points in time if you were  from England, or a Protestant you were white; the Irish on the other hand were considered too poor and too Catholic to be called white.  I know I’m a bit Irish, and raised Catholic  and as far as I know I’m not from the Caucasia, Northern Africa or India so historically I would not have been white while apparently Ghandi would have.  Besides, I don’t know which census I’m filling out.  Were Irish people considered white by the 1960s?  I really don’t know if I should put a check by the box marked White.

Also perplexing is the Black, African Am., and Negro box.  I need to mark all the boxes that apply, so I feel that I should definitely mark this one and so should everyone else born on this planet, right?  I mean the human species originated in Africa, no?

And wow, the more I look at this form the more I realize it must be so confusing for so many people.  What if I were American Indian, should I also mark at least one of the seven Asian boxes since according to the history books the Native Americans were originally Asians who crossed the Bering Strait?  What if, in section 5 I put a check by the box Mexican, Mexican Am., or Chicano how do I fill out section 6 if I am a mestizo–of Spanish and indigenous origin?  I couldn’t just fill out the box that says white…and though technically the Aztec, Maya, Inca etc are American since they were on the South American continent, they weren’t really tribes, they were whole civilizations so if I wrote down that I were from the ‘Aztec tribe’ it would be kind of inaccurate.

Another thing I’m confused about:  is Asia the largest continent or something?  Because it has seven boxes you can check, and even though the Pacific Islands are not even a continent they have more boxes than real continents.  Like Africa.  I knew there were lots of different kinds of Asians, but I wasn’t aware that there was only one kind of African, or only one kind of White person–whatever that means.  Also I didn’t know that Middle Easterners did not exist as a people.

And though it’s really generous for the Census Bureau to provide a line for you if you are Some other race, but I don’t think it’s enough given the amount of ‘races’ that have already been excluded from section 6.  My friend did not have enough space in the nineteen boxes in the Some other race line, so to be succinct he wrote ”light brown with a hint of cream.”  Should I write ”cream with a tiny hint of really light brown”?  Oh wait that’s too many spaces.  Wow this is so complicated.

To avoid error should I just put down that I am from the tribe of Man?  Or that I am Human?  Or an Earthling?  None of that would be inaccurate.  But I’m not sure that’s specific enough for the Census Bureau.  So should I put down Viking because my ancestors were Vikings?  What if I fill it out wrong?  Will I go to jail?  CAN SOMEONE FROM THE CENSUS BUREAU PLEASE HELP ME?????